If He Had Been with Me

Book #5 May 2024 & #36 for 2024!“If He Had Been With Me” by Laura Nowlin.Tropes/Themes: Childhood Bestfriends to Lovers, Across 4 Years of High School, Grief/Mental Health/Self-Harm/Unplanned Pregnancies.Rating: 4⭐️’s for plot/storyline & 1🌶️ for spice.•I have heard of this book all over #booktok and #bookstagram, so I knew it was going to be sad going into it, I just had such high expectations that the ending felt a bit rushed to me (although I did still cry). This is also one of the only books I’ve read where the title of the book is on the 2nd page (normally it takes me much longer to find it). I did enjoy the book enough that I am going to read the second book next.•Below are some of my favorite quotes:1. Pages 38-39: “Sometimes I am disappointed with love. I thought that when you were in love, it would always be right there, staring you in the face, reminding you every moment that you love this person”.2. Page 86: “For all of my memory, I have loved him. I feel what I have always felt when I look at him, and I have never before asked myself what it is exactly. I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book. It’s the way I love Finny. It’s impossible to say and even harder to feel”.3. Page 205: “This is friendship, and it is love, but I already know what they have not learned yet. How dangerous friendship is, and how damaging love can be”.4. Page 365: “It’s never felt like this before. It feels so natural. It feels so right. I realize that there may never be another moment more perfect than this for the rest of my life”.5. Page 367: “Can I tell you that I love you first? Yes. I love you, Oh God, I love you”.6. Page 370: “I loved her, but I loved her differently from the way I’ve always loved you”.7. Page 386: “In the end, my decision comes down to one thing: I think Finny would forgive me. It wouldn’t be what he wanted for me, but he would forgive me”.

LITERLLY BEST BOOK EVER COULDNT STOP CRYING MY EYES OUT AFTER READING. Genuinely if you wanna cry please read this book

such a good book/series

It had a small chip on the cover, near the spine. Im not sure if it was a manufacturing issue. Its not noticeable if you wont look closely. I just wish it won't get worse over time. Also, they could have packed all the books better with plastic or some alternatives and with bubble wrap to further protect them in-transit

Unforgettable read. I’ve read it 2 times now and cried both times, though the first was much harder. Absolutely unbelievably amazing.

I was hooked from page one then all these emotions happened from annoyed because of the characters, then sad, then happy, then sad again. The ending ended up being a happy one...or was it? Amazing writing. I can't wait to read more that this author has wrote.

Good book if you like books

The last 15-20 chapters made it a 4 star for me. It’s obviously super YA, and I knew it wasn’t going to be a happy ending, but the journey towards the end made it worth it. Will be reading the second book.

If I’m being honest didn’t love the writing much. Felt very childish. Hoover the ending ripped my heart out. Truthfully I always wonder why books always end so happy and everything works out. I think sometimes they should end differently but then when they do I’m SO mad. Not fair.

It was truly an alright read. The book had so many emotions that I found myself reacting out loud. I saw different ways the ending was coming, but not sure why I feel disappointed. My judgment is probably clouded by Autumn only getting 1 chance, and Finny was taken away... then the ending for his life (no funerals, etc...) was rushed to Autumn, causing self-harm and being pregnant. Nonetheless... it was alright. I want to read ' if she had been with me ' to see if that's Finny's POV. This book opened my appetite and reminded me how much I love to read. I can't believe I started hating to... I had lost this part of me and the book reminded me.

Just finished it less then an hour ago. This book took me on a ride. Trying not to spoil anything but I’m lost for words and little broken at the moment. I have had ”readers” block for honestly for a year. Trying to pick a book and quitting it less then half way. But this book personally it intrigued, frustrated and made me emotional on so many parts. I just could not quit it and something always drew me back in. I honestly liked that it wasn’t just any other romance book or the story line didin’t go just as in any other book. Or maybe it did but I was too invested to put it down. Give it a chance!

Starting this book I was hesitant and thought it was going to be boring and annoying but was I wrong! I was hooked and finished this book in 2 days. I did not expect to be so locked in the way I was! And I did not expect my heart to break!

Favorite Quote: "This book is a treasure; I did notsuspect it would be so good when I picked it up, but now I can feel the printed words seeping through my skin and into my veins, rushing to my heart and marking it forever."I picked up this book from my never ending mental TBR stack to get a feel for it. I read so many mixed reviews and opinions about the book and I was a little afraid to commit. Turns out it was an easy read for me, Icouldn't put the book down: even in class and messing up my sleep schedule to read this book. As well as breaking me at midnight when I finished the last two chapters.Autumn and Finny kind of reminds me of my boyfriend and I and how we've known each other forever and started to like each other but still went into other relationships because we were afraid to talk to one another. I could kind of relate to Autumn as feeling like the "odd girl": only hanging out with your best friend and not expanding your circle. And I liked how the book had dual timelines of flashbacks Autumn had when her and Finn were younger. I also did wish Finn and Autumn had other interactions rather than a few slight interactions until towards the end. "If Only I Had Told Her" on my shelf and plan on reading it over winter break.A SPOILERSI didn't really like a few things, like how she always wore a tiara until Phineas told her it didn't matter what she wore towards the end of the story. As a person who has tons of crown and tiaras from being in "pageants" wouldn't want to wear them every day. And I didn't like the cheating aspects of the story; yes it happens but from the beginning Jamie was a RED flag***Overall, it wasn't that bad of read and a pretty fast read as well, if I had the time I would've devoured the book within like two days.

I didn't hate it but I didn't love it. I really enjoyed the artistic writing style, and the simplicity of how the story was told. The things she recalls from her relationship with Jamie shows us how she really feels about him vs what she lets herself think about him, which is very true to how one feels in a toxic relationship. Ignore the red flags. I thought that was very interesting writing.When she tried not to think about Finny, but she couldn't stop herself and it's almost like she didnt know what love felt like, but she also knew what love didn't feel like.However, it felt like a very thin reason that she stopped talking to him for six years because she was confused about why he kissed her. Like the whole book could have been cancelled out if she had just asked him a simple question instead of running away that night.It ended very sadly. I knew it was going to happen the whole time and I was sad through the whole book. Tummy ache read.

If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin captures the raw, authentic emotions of the teenage experience. The characters’ thoughts, emotions, and conversations feel genuine, making this more of a coming-of-age story than a typical teen romance, which I really appreciated. It’s relatable in many ways, especially for readers who remember the intensity of their teenage years.However, I struggled with the writing style. It felt disjointed at times, which made it hard for me to stay engaged while reading. Switching to the audiobook helped me enjoy it more and made it easier to get through.While the overarching narrative was engaging, I was left wanting more from the romance between Autumn and Finn. Their relationship felt underexplored, and Finn’s character lacked depth, which made it hard to connect with him fully. The ending, though expected from the start, felt rushed and abrupt. I was hoping for a more emotionally impactful conclusion, but it fell flat for me.Overall, If He Had Been with Me had moments of brilliance in its portrayal of adolescence, but the underdeveloped romance and writing style held it back for me. I’d recommend it for those who enjoy coming-of-age stories, but it may not resonate as deeply for fans of romance-driven narratives.

This book was boring.  Still, for me, most of the story was saved by the perceived integrity of the main character, Autumn, which was maintained by her decision to not have sex with her boyfriend.  I have no judgments about premarital sex.  Such a decision is not for me to judge.  But the main character betrays her integrity with almost no consequences.SPOILERS AHEAD!!!(Though with this one, you really should know what you are getting into before you pay money for this book.)Jamie, Autumn’s boyfriend of several years, wants to have sex before they finish high school.  Autumn wants to wait until after they graduate a few months from their conversation.  Jamie respects her choice by having sex with Sasha, one of Autumn’s best friends.  Meanwhile, Finny, the boy who Autumn grew up next door to her, knows her better than anyone else on the planet, and who was Autumn’s best friend until he kissed her years before the book started, is a school sports star and dating a girl named Sylvie.  Through the entire book, Finny’s and Autumn’s moms are best friends to the point that they celebrate holidays and birthdays together.  These ‘family’ celebrations bring Autumn and Finny together for some awkward moments, as they are estranged friends.Jamie comes clean about his infidelity when he breaks up with Autumn before graduation near the end of the book.  Autumn is heart broken and basically sheds her entire group of friends because one boy in her life acted stupidly.  Finny, with his girlfriend studying abroad for the summer, is who Autumn turns to and they rekindle the relationship and innocence of their youth together.  This rekindling is more than a spark.  They’ve been in love with each other for some time and never told each other.  Finny wants to break up with his girlfriend because of what he’s discovered he felt of Autumn, but he refuses to do it over the phone and wants to wait until she comes home to do it face to face.  I had no problem with the ‘spark’ between them because Finny and Autumn were not acting on that spark—until they do act on it.  Finny and Autumn have sex before Finny’s girlfriend comes home and before Finny has broken up with her.  I get it.  They’re so in love with each other and their love is enough for them to justify anything to be with one another and they are in the throes of deep passion and it just “happened.”Except it didn’t “just happen” because Finny and Autumn were aware enough of what they were doing to realize they didn’t have a condom and proceeded to make the decision to have unprotected sex.  Honestly, I expected Autumn to stop Finny before the sex and say something like, “I know what it’s like to be cheated on, and I will not be a part of doing that someone else.  You need to be a man and break up with Sylvie before I open my legs for you.”But she doesn’t.In this one act, Autumn betrays her integrity and becomes no better than her ex-friend, Sasha.  But that doesn’t matter to her because she is so happy that she is with Finny and there are no consequences for her being the “other woman,” and again, this is all justified because the love Finny and Autumn means that they can do whatever they want without consequences.To be fair, there are consequences—for Finny, who dies on the way back from picking Sylvie up after she comes home.  And for Sylvie (poor Sylvie, who did nothing really wrong) dies in the same car accident in which Finny died.  Since the story is told in the first person from Autumn’s point of view, the reader doesn’t know what happened in the car accident.  The reader only knows the story that Autumn made up in her head, that Sylvie was so angry that she grabbed Finny’s steering wheel, sending his car off the road and throwing Sylvie through the windshield.  Finny survived the initial crash because he was wearing his seat belt and walked to the middle of the road to see if Sylvie was ok.  While he bent down to inspect Sylvie’s body, a car, or truck, came around the turn in the road and ran over Finny, killing him instantly.  The version in my head goes like this:  Finny was too much of a coward to break up Sylvie so he told her the front passenger side seat belt was broken and swerved off the road, making sure that Sylvie hit his windshield hard enough to break her neck.  Oops!  She flew through the windshield!  That wasn’t part of the plan.  She was supposed to die in the car so Finny’s lazy self wouldn’t have to get up to make sure she’s dead or to, y’know, finish the job.  He walked into the middle of the road, his fingers ready to tighten around Sylvie’s throat if he had to, and then the car, or truck, came around the turn, killing him instantly.Why not? His character didn't real care about Sylvie anyway...Don’t read this book looking for any of the characters to be a hero.  This story has no hero. It only has kids who believe they are heroes because they feel their feelings justify their actions.

If he had been with me by Laura Nowlin - "Like most of my stories, it will end tragically.3.5/5It's seemingly an odd feeling when you finish a book you could predict the ending of. I will start by saying that I liked the book. It was a beautiful coming-of-age story that puts you in the mindset of high school kids and leads you to reminisce on the friends you once had and the reasons you went your separate way. However, while this book has several good parts that I will mention, it also has some parts that deter me from singing its praises.We'll start with the veggies. I couldn't believe how in denial Autumn was about her feelings for Finny. I mean I get that he's a popular boy now and it's an insecure thing to wonder why an attractive boy is into you but she knew him way before that. She'd known him since birth, long enough to know what his facial expressions and body language meant but she couldn't pick up that he liked her or even that he missed her. Another thing I disliked was the predictability of everything. From the second something was said you could picture the outcome. For instance, when Autumn said she and Sasha fought over Jamie in the beginning, as soon as Sasha broke up with her boyfriend and started hanging out with Jamie alone you knew what was going to happen. Also, as soon as her friend mentioned having unprotected sex you knew she was going to get pregnant which ruined the ending of the cycle continuing when Autumn has unprotected sex.Now for the desert. I loved that the story was told from Autumn's point of view and I believe one of the most realistic feelings this book portrays is the relationship of Autumn's parents. As a teenager, you tend to ignore the adults around you because they don't understand you and you would never want their life and you get that from Autumn. She sees her absent father and knows not to depend on him or expect him to know why she wears tiaras or how she expresses herself. She looks at her mother and doesn't want to become her or exhibit the depressive episodes that she witnesses her mother go through. But in the end, when she loses Finny we see her become her mother and we get a glimpse of it when she goes through seasonal depression.Overall, this book is a good read. After all, I couldn't put it down. It reminded me of what I was like as a teenager in some ways, the group of friends you'd never thought you'd lose until everyone's life changed. I also related to her relationship with her parents. There's so much to hold onto when reading this book. I just wish I didn't see the most shocking parts of the book coming. I wish I could've been surprised when Jamie cheated, her parents divorced, Finny confessed his love, when he died, her suicide attempt, and when she found out she was pregnant. Or maybe I wish he'd been with her.Favorite Quotes:• I've loved him my whole life, and somewhere along the way, that love didn't change but grew. It grew to fill the parts of me that I did not have when I was a child. It grew with every new longing of my body and desire until there was not a piece of me that did not love him. And when I look at him, there is no other feeling in me.• Stay I whisper to him. Stay in the car. Stay in this moment. But of course he never does.• Perhaps he would ask me what books mean to me. I would tell him that it means living another life;• They don’t see that her tension and perfection are the only things holding her together.• I cannot imagine not wanting to live. I cannot imagine not believing that it will be better someday. I cannot imagine that there is nothing left to see, that there is nothing to tie me to Earth. As long as I want to live, then I must be fine.• If he had been with me, everything would have been different.Favorite Characters:Finny, Autumn, Aunt Angelina, Angie, Alex, Jack

4-4.5 stars for me….You ever read a book where you knew you were going to be left brokenhearted, but you kept going anyway? Yep, this book is one of them. From the moment I started the first chapter until the very end, I knew I was in for a wild ride, a train wreck even, but the anticipation kept me going, even hoping for a different outcome. I love angst-filled tortured lovers type book…it’s what I seek for…I don’t always care for the cheesy fluffy HEA…the more a book makes my chest ache, the better. So why the 4 star rating?I’ll start off with the good: I’m a fan of single POV books. I love the mystery of only having one side of the story and having to guess what the other is feeling. I loved the overall storyline and I thought the author did a fantastic job capturing the realness of what teenagers go through in high school from experiencing your first love, first heartbreak, the cliques and friendships that you form along the way. It didn’t feel cheesy as I find with most YA books, and I think a lot of that had to do with the writing style which can be choppy and short at times, but concise and to the point. For this book, I thought that type of writing style worked. I hate YA books with over the top cattiness, cliche lines, or drawn out sentences. I didn’t find myself rolling my eyes at all, as I do with most YA books, and I think that had to do the main character Autumn - she was relatable and likable. Yes she was awkward, but weren’t we all in high school, trying to stand out or be different, trying to find ourselves?Having said all that: The story did start off slow and at times, I wasn’t even sure if Finn would become a major part of the story. Autumn and Finn had many encounters sprinkled throughout the first half of the book, but their interaction left me wanting more…more angst, more longing looks, just more. At times, it felt like their encounters were so brief that you weren’t sure if it meant anything. There were lots of times when they would sit on the couch and watch TV, and then the very next paragraph it would suddenly jump into something else. I wish the author would have followed up their interaction/encounter with a longing stare, a subtle touch, maybe an awkward conversation. Also, although I liked the choppy sentences, I felt at times the story jumped around too often with no transition/explanations in between events.Overall though, it was still a great read…one that took me out of a reading slump after back to back DNF. If you love the rip your heart out kind of books, this one won’t disappoint!

"Like all things that have become history, I now feel as if I always knew it, as if all through this story, it had been lurking in the shadows. The story underneath the story."This F'ing book!! It gave me a bad bout of depression laced with a hint of bipolar disorder then hope and ultimately sadness and curiosity...damn unresolved ending...Is she or isn't she??? I moped around the house while reading this book from the very first page and it wasn't until about 90(ish)% done that I started to feel anything other than despair and frustration. The beginning of the book starts off letting us know that a horrible thing will occur. So yeah, we were warned but waiting for it to come to pass was agonizingly slow (and slightly annoying) mainly because I wanted to smack Autumn (the quirky/beautiful MC) throughout the entire book. How blind can someone be to the fact that all your hopes and dreams are not only possible but completely within your grasp if you just get out of your own head and OPEN YOUR EYES???"Finny, my Finny, kissed me. It was horrible. It was strange and wonderful. It felt like I was watching a meteor shower and did not know if it meant the stars were falling and the sky was breaking apart."The two main characters (Autumn and Finny) are EXTREMELY well formed. They are 3 dimensional, robust and without a doubt savory. Their relationship is exquisitely complex and undeniably beautiful. I manically kept watch on the page count. I wished desperately that I could freeze the moment and live within it a bit longer while simultaneously devouring each page because I just HAD to know what happened next....I read in bed. I read in front of the TV. I read in the bathroom and in the car BUT when I got to the end I cursed this freaking book because it was an unsatisfying (semi) Cliffy :-(Damn book! This heartbreaking, Coming of Age story deftly highlights how subjective our life experiences are. The writing is emotive, the characters and world building are excellently crafted and the sentiment is poignant and tragically beautiful. I think we all can relate to the cast of teens (and the Mothers as well) as they face the horrible truths of Adulthood. There are a host of Coming of Age realizations and each one made me feel like I was welcoming home an old, friendly pain that had slowly become inconspicuous by blending into the background din of Adulthood. Sound dramatic and fatalistic?? It does and this book has enormous amounts of both but the underlying sweet innocence of it all is heartrending and definitely on the sweeter side of bitter-sweet. I picked this book because I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel something profoundly and this book delivered. My heart is still aching.

Finn and Autumn were the best of friends until middle school. That's when they seemed to grow apart. Finn was with the popular crowd and Autumn was with the not-so-popular crowd. Their moms were still friends and they were still neighbors, so they saw each other most days. Autumn has Jaime now and they have been going out for practically forever. So what if she feels a pang in her chest when she looks at Finn. She's happy with her new friends and her new life...right?Love this book. This will most likely be my favorite for the year. Laura Nowling just gets it. Everything is just completely brilliant in this novel. The characters are totally great and the story is heartbreaking and just so honest. "I want to savour this wonder, this happening of loving a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and I will never read this book for the first time ever again." She also totally gets being a reader. It always draws me into the book when the character is a big reader too.Finn and Autumn were the best characters. I always wanted a friend like Finn. I wanted that kind of easy friendship where the line between two people is blurred. It was devastating to me to see them not together. I could feel the pull in Autumn's chest each time she saw Finn. Even though she was happy with her other friends and Jaime, she wasn't as happy as she could be. Her heart still wanted more. It crazy how such a small little thing could drive people apart without them even realizing why. A simple miscommunication and two lives are left incomplete. It's awful, but I'm sure it happens all the time.Jaime was an okay character. I think I loved Finn too much to really give Jaime a chance. It seemed a little bit mean at times, but nothing too bad. He just wasn't a good fit for Autumn's eccentricity. Their little group seemed to function like any group of friends and they all seemed to work okay together.The only bit that I wasn't crazy about is when we read Autumn's story that she wrote. She was supposedly this really wonderful author, but the story was fairly juvenile. It wasn't bad it was just kind of basic and plain.This book is everything I want my realistic fiction to be. Just beautiful and honest. I knew how it was going to end early one, you kind of know from the first few pages. Regardless, you are still wishing and hoping that the outcome isn't what it seems to be. It was awful in a good way--in a I don't ever want this book to end kind of way. It made me laugh, it made me bawl my eyes out, it made my chest hurt and it made me close the book and immediately want to pick it up and start from the very beginning. It made me feel everything as if it was my own story.First Line:"I wasn't with Finny on that August night, but my imagination has burned the scene in my mind so that it feels like a memory."Favorite Lines:"No one is perfect.""'I think we're supposed to experience as much beauty as we can.'""The icy wind burns through my gloves and my fingers ache until they fall numb and silent.""I can feel them in my mouth like three smooth pebbles."