This Is How It Always Is: A Reese's Book Club Pick

This Is How It Always Is is about the Walsh-Adams family--Rosie, Penn, Roo, Ben, Rigel, Orion, and Claude. Although Rosie did everything she knew to do in order to become pregnant with a girl, her youngest child was born a son--Claude; however, Claude is not like his older brothers. Instead of GI Joes, he prefers Barbie dolls. Instead of jeans and tee shirts, he prefers twirly dresses. And instead of dreaming of growing up to be a fireman or football player or teacher, he dreams of becoming a girl. What starts off as simply indulging Claude's "pretend play" quickly becomes much more, and the Walsh-Adams family begins adjusting to the idea of having a daughter and sister named Poppy instead of a son and brother named Claude. Their acceptance and love of Poppy is undeniable, but when her safety in the real world comes into question, they move across the country and start new lives where Poppy can simply be Poppy and not "Poppy who used to be Claude."Laurie Frankel has crafted a magnificent book with a poignant story, wonderfully developed characters, and valuable lessons. When I finished the book, I knew that I would be processing the emotions it evoked for quite some time and carrying the priceless lessons it taught much longer than that. To be quite honest, it evoked such powerful emotions that I had to take a break for a couple of days before I could finish the book, at one point. I found myself connected to Rosie's character on a deeply emotional level, especially, and following her journey--from falling in love with Penn as a medical student to a hard-working mother of five--was fascinating to me. Any mother or father can related to Rosie's and Penn's struggles to make the best decisions possible for all of their children and their desires to ensure that they be safe, healthy, and happy. However, as the mother of a child with autism, I found that their concerns about Poppy's unique situation were ultimately the same as the parent of any child with unique needs. We worry that others will judge our kids, that they will be picked on, or that they will be taken advantage of or abused. We worry that life will be hard for our kids. We worry that they won't live their best lives. We just want our kids to be loved and accepted for who they are on the inside. That's it.But isn't that what ALL parents really want?Rosie and Penn aren't perfect parents. They make mistakes and learn as they go, and Roo's storyline is a particularly painful reminder that although Poppy's needs are unique, they are not the only needs that exist in the Walsh-Adams family. However, Rosie and Penn and the things they learn about being parents to five very different children provide excellent lessons in how to raise good humans.All of this is not to say that the plot and deeply moving lessons in the book are ALL This Is How It Always Is has to offer. The writing itself is unique and hypnotic. Frankel's way of weaving humor throughout the book was entertaining and made the Walsh-Adams family realistic and relatable. Any family with five children (including twin teenagers) is bound to have its fair share of chaotic moments, and witnessing those normal family interactions with all the humor they tend to involve allows readers to take notice of the fact that life moves forward, no matter how heavy our worries and secrets may be. Frankel's sometimes long, rambling sentences are frank and full of references to earlier details in the book, and they made the rhythm of the book completely enchanting, just like the fairy tales Penn told his children every night before bed. The characters themselves are lovable, and I absolutely adored everything about Claude/Poppy, especially, but I found myself drawn to them all.Ultimately, Laurie Frankel has written an absolutely beautiful novel about loving people--especially our children--no matter what. In her author's note at the end, she says, "I know this book will be controversial, but honestly? I keep forgetting why." I keep coming back to those words, over and over again, and the power of such simple statements is undeniable. Understanding the lives of transgender children is impossible without having a front seat. Although this book is a far cry from a front seat, it's a valuable peek inside their world. That peek has helped me become a better mother to my own children--and a better human, in general.

Excellent writing and character development. I loved it start to finish. I wonder what other books Laurie Frankel has written.

Started kind of slow but don't give up on it. It will grow on you with family loyalty and the struggle of being g a kid at all in the society we live in!

This book is wonderful. I felt the gamut of emotions joy, fear, sadness and pride. Pilot's story is beautiful yet realistic and thought-provoking all at once.

This book was/is so great. I totally recommend it. It's a story about being whoever we are and celebrating that. Evolving with that.

What a wonderful well researched and developed story. The characters were so thought out and detailed that you could see yourself in their thoughts, actions, and reactions. This is a story everyone should read. Let it open your heart and mind to things that are different. You may not agree with everything that happens but you can understand each and every character’s thoughts, emotions, and motives.

The writing is brilliant capturing the chaos that is family and all the conflicting dreams, needs and decisions in parenting.

I fell in love with this family. This book explores not only questions parents have with a child like Poppy but also reflects the questions all parents have. How do i help my child navigate life? Am I doing it right?Am I a good parent? Is my child safe and happy? If not, what do I do?Love the idea of the middle.

What a beautiful and hopeful book. It gives us a peek at the lives and challenges every family of a non-binary child faces, and the hidden costs of secrets. But it also gives an image of a family that is quirky, riotous, rowdy, funny, weird... but most of all, bound by a fierce and relentless love. Having such a beautiful image can be a roadmap for all of us, for a broader, most expansive, more inclusive future that is similarly defined by love.

I have a trans grandchild. I asked my book club to read this book. That took courage on my part. But there are no secrets. This family is what everyone deserves. So much compassion and empathy. That’s the best part.

And this devil of a book does not disappoint. How does one write this without living it? They do not…they cannot.Laurie Frankel’s writing style is one thing: purposeful, if sometimes decoratively long-windedly witty. But that’s be beauty of creativity, it can be many things. What we have in This Is How It Always Is is a story so full of laughs, tears, and thrills that I didn’t know if I was going have a heart attack, fearing a dreadful end for Poppy, or if Penn and Rosie’s arguments were going to result in vaginoplasty. The narrative is stunning yet heart-wrenching and cringe-worthy when recalling the middle school years. It’s the kind of story you read under a warm blanket.Well done Frankel, well done indeed.

Today's read: This is How it Always is by Laurie FrankleGenre: LGBTQ+ fiction, family & parenting"He said he wanted to be a chef when he grew up. He also said he wanted to be a cat when he grew up. When he grew up, he said, he wanted to be a chef, a cat, a vet, a dinosaur, a train, a farmer, a recorder player, a scientist, an ice-cream cone, a first baseman, or maybe the inventor of a new kind of food that tasted like chocolate ice cream but nourished like something his mother would say yes to for breakfast. When he grew up, he said, he wanted to be a girl."This book is beautiful. Full of heart and confusion and family and wonder. Tears and smiles. Hugs and worries. It's a book of struggle and hope. It's a book about a family of 7 trying to grow up. It's abook about a transgender child and the struggles of parenting, identity, and acceptance.I am so glad I read this book. I think maybe everyone should. There are no answers here. Just like there are no answers in the real world. We all just struggle through the best we can. Except, maybe the one answer offered is to love and accept, allow for there to be a "middle way" rather than just the usual paths.This book was inspired by Frankel's own experience in raising a transgender child.In her author's note, she says: "...no matter the issue, parenting always involves this balance between what you know, what you guess, what you fear, and what you imagine. You’re never certain..."And one more quote to show you how beautiful this book's prose is: "...a small, windblown child in his own personal tempest, puzzling over air currents and other winds and his place in the world..."

My Rating: #####/5It took me a long time to sit down and write this review, or rather, this review for this book. The whole year I have been going on and on about Crawdads and The Great Alone… Delia Owens this and Kristin Hannah that; and then I picked up This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel. I cannot even remember how or where I found it, and no one recommended it or anything like. I can only believe that I was meant to read this book and the universe dropped it, and Claude and Poppy, into my lap. On that note, this book should be on the GoodReads Choice Awards for Fiction every year since it’s release date – it deserves, no, it demands a spot. Rosie is a surgeon and Penn is a stay-at-home-dad-author of TDN (that damn novel). It’s the typical, but not boring, boy-meets-girl-falls-in-love-girl-says-she-is-a-surgeon-doesn’t-have-time-to-date-boy-persists-woos-her-with-romance-they-get-married-story. 2 boys, a couple of years of residency and still no published TDN (that damn novel) later, Penn and Rosie decide; “let’s try for one more, maybe this time it will be a girl?” A set of twins (also boys) later and Rosie and Penn are ready to give up. But Rosie desperately wants a little girl and maybe fifth-times’ a charm… maybe. So why not? Rosie falls pregnant again and 9 months later, another healthy, bouncy, baby BOY is born. Enter Claude.But here’s the thing about Claude. Claude is a boy, raised in a household with 4 brothers. But Claude wants to wear dresses, hair barrettes, and rainbow tights and play with dolls. Claude wants to be a girl. Claude wants to be Poppy… and Claude is only 5-years old.So how do you teach your child, that they can grow up to be anything they want to be, but they cannot (yet) wear dresses to kindergarten? How do you explain to them, that even though it doesn’t hurt anyone, they cannot be a princess, because they were not born a girl? Do you keep the secret, move away, hide it from your neighbors and friends or do you let your precious child wear a dress with fairy wings to school and “let life sort itself out”?The story is interesting, fun, funny, relatable and heart-wrenching… all of these on one page! The characters are vivid and realistic. You feel the frustration as a parent, the concern and protectiveness as a sibling and your heart breaks with and for Claude as he realizes the truth of the world.The writing is beautiful and clean. The story flows without lagging or hiccups. And yes, you are going to need tissues.Frankel addresses several controversial issues and hypocrisies. We would like to believe we have come a long way with some of these issues, but have we truly? Frankel lays it all bare; from gender identity, gender equality and sexual orientation and what it must be like for a parent, who just wants their child to believe they can become anyone or anything they want to be and that all their dreams can come true. Even if they dream of becoming a night-fairy.

I loved this book.  I especially liked that the author made it a work of fiction instead of using her own transgender child- it isn't her story to tell as she says.  Because she has experienced a lot of the feelings in this book first hand, I feel like she was able to make it more believable and connect more deeply.  She knows how she felt, how her family felt, and how the world might react.  This is at it's depth a plea for love and understanding.  Anyone with a transgender child- or really any child that is "different" in any way- knows the awful fear.... will they be understood?  What's the best way to keep them safe?  How far is too far?  And, most terrifying, how can I explain to them that they could be vulnerable to attack for just being them?      As they went through the decisions that Poppy's life demanded I was really pleased by how they made decisions and laid out paths to follow.  Do they take hormone blockers?  Talk to the (at this time ten year old) child about surgery?  Tell the neighbors and school officials- who needs to know, and how do you explain?  Why is there anything to explain?  As far as Poppy's concerned she's a girl.  And she has a penis.  The penis is an after thought for her, as it should be.  All she wants- all any child wants- is to be accepted.  To be loved and have friends.  When everyone finds out about Poppy, it nearly broke me.  Yes, maybe it was wrong to not tell people; but they had a right to protect their child and Poppy had a right to show the world who she was deep down.  Do your outer shells mean so much?  I never believed they should.      Some people believe it goes against God... I believe the opposite.  God created the body and the soul, the heart... the spirit.  If one does not match the other three- if it doesn't follow your truth- then why not change it?  You respect God by learning to love yourself.  You respect God by living the happiest, most blessed life you can and hurting the least amount of people in the process.  Who does it hurt, really, to be who you are?  No one.  But forcing yourself into a box because of who society says you must be?  That brings on a type of pain I can't imagine.  I mean, I am seriously tearing up just imagining a life like that.  I want a world where people are not tolerated- what a terrible word!  I want a world where everyone is celebrated.  Where we can be who we really are without fear.  Where it won't matter what I look like, but how I behave.  This book and others like it will pave the way to understanding.  Understanding will pave the way to acceptance.  Acceptance will pave the way, someday, to a world of love.  For me, this is a five star book and I will treasure it forever.             As far as the adult content scale goes, there's some language and violence but it is fairly mild.  I give it a two.

Attempts to take on an important issue, but misses the boat on some important aspectsI give Laurie Frankel credit for trying to write about transgender children, a new topic for many people. I appreciate her ability to describe the reality of family-life, and I was impressed by the description of Claude blossoming once allowed to be Poppy, a transformation I have seen many times. As a pediatrician, though, there are some things that I want to clarify for families who may have transgender children in the family, and be looking for guidance.1) Gender dysphoria: Poppy is very happy and feels most whole as a female, and yet does not have any negative thoughts about her male body parts. In the book, this is attributed to the family being so accepting, but children with gender dysphoria will have negative feelings about their genitalia. This is not because of something their family did, but because they don't feel that it fits who they are on the inside. These negative feelings are incredibly common, but also do need to be addressed head-on with therapy.2) Ask for help: The family doesn't ask for help, which, for a mother who is a doctor, and a father doing tons of research, while living in a city with plenty of resources, is an enigma to me. The parents talk to a social worker in Wisconsin via Skype, but Poppy's pediatrician is never involved and Poppy and her siblings never talk to a counselor or seek out a support group. I get that the story works best to talk about the dangers of secrets, but I don't feel like the point is ever made that none of them need to feel alone, there are many other people dealing with the same feelings and the same issues and resources to be tapped into. The way to avoid suicide, depression, and anxiety in transgender children has been very clearly shown to be an accepting environment, and that doesn't just mean at home. Look up the American Academy of Pediatrics guide to supporting transgender children for more details.

Parenting is hard. Really hard. Everyone always tells you that before you have kids but until you actually do it – you have no clue.And…..the hardness starts when you are pregnant.It is all about am I doing the right thing, should I do this or that, or not this or that, will it be healthy, what products will we use, to nurse or formula, cloth or disposable, find a pediatrician and it goes on and on.But, then this little human arrives and all of the joy and the worries and the challenges along with it.The struggle of being good enough is overwhelming.In This Is How It Always Is, Laurie Frankel takes all of these desires and self-doubt to an entirely new level. We want our kids to be ‘who they are’ and to be comfortable with themselves and to love who they are but, as a parent, what do you do when that sense of self goes against the norm, in a major way? As a mother of three, 2 girls and a boy, I have seen my kids struggle with social acceptance, deal with less than true friendships, and want to fit in. We’ve had many talks about what a good friend is, how we treat others especially when they are different and how we try to do what is right all the time. It can be challenging and heart breaking. Many of these lessons have to be learned and learned the hard way. We have to watch our kids struggle, fall down, encourage them to get back up and brush themselves off and try again.But, what happens when your child, who you are teaching to be true to themselves, is really, really different? Outside “the norm”?We follow along as the parents in this story walk this oh so fine line. I found my heart breaking, my stomach feeling like it had dropped to my ankles and face smiling as I read through these choices and their consequences.The advice I was given prior to reading this book was to not read the flap, just dive in. And I did. What great advice! This book should be read without any preconceived notions or assumptions. Just read, open your mind and follow along. I would bet any amount of money that when you get to the end you will think, is that what I would have done?

This Is How It Always Is by Laurie FrankelPublisher: Flatiron BooksRelease Date: January 24, 2017Length: 336 pagesSingle Sentence Summary: A quirky family tries to navigate unfamiliar territory with compassion and humor when their youngest son wants to wear dresses and be a princess.Primary Characters: Rosie Walsh – Mother in this clan of seven. Rosie is a physician and the monetary support of her family. Penn Adams- Rosie’s husband, father to the boys. Penn is an always involved stay-at-home dad and a writer. Claude/Poppy – The youngest of Rosie and Penn’s five sons. Claude feels from a young age, that he wants much of what girls have.Synopsis: Claude is a sweet little boy, the youngest in his family of five boys. Claude is a happy well-adjusted, precocious child who knows what he wants. He wants to wear dresses, carry a purse for a lunchbox, play princess, and be a girl when he grows up. Rosie, Penn and his brothers want Claude to be happy with whoever he is, but there is no road map for how to do this. Soon the whole family is keeping secrets to protect Poppy. Secrets too big to be secrets for long.Review: In This Is How It Always Is Laurie Frankel beautifully told a timely story that some might consider controversial. Frankel herself has a transgender daughter, which gives her some gravitas in the telling of Poppy’s story. In the author’s notes at the end of the book, Frankel made clear that this is not her family’s story. This is the Walsh-Adams’s story, and what a wonderful family she created!Any child would be lucky to grow up in the Walsh-Adams household because they are the most unusual of families. Made up of parents who love and respect each other, five boys born in a span of ten years, all unique yet still comfortable in their own skin. This is a fully functional family. I wanted to live with the Walsh-Adams family! There was no better setting in which to place a sweet little boy who yearned to be a girl.“When he grew up, he said, he wanted to be a chef, a cat, a vet, a dinosaur, a trainer, a farmer, a recorder player, a scientist, an ice-cream cone, a first baseman, or maybe an inventor of a new kind of food that tasted like chocolate ice cream but nourished like something his mother would say yes to for breakfast. When he grew up, he said, he wanted to be a girl.”As Rosie and Penn’s fifth child, they had learned to take their children’s many quirks in stride. When it became apparent that Claude’s yearning was more than a phase, they didn’t panic as many parents might. Instead, Rosie and Penn did all they could to help Claude be the person he felt himself to be, Poppy. When it became too difficult in the small Wisconsin community where they lived, they moved their family to Seattle for a fresh start. I so loved the way the entire family took everything about Poppy in stride. Her brothers were amazingly off-handed about it, but never to the point where it didn’t ring true. Poppy was just another piece of their busy lives.I though Frankel’s story telling was especially fine in the exploration of some of the more difficult issues for transgender children and their families. Every member of the Walsh-Adams family kept Poppy’s secret without ever explicitly being asked to do so. The toll of such a big family secret was extremely hard on everyone, just as it would be for any family hiding something so large. Frankel particularly explored the brothers’ stress at hiding Poppy’s truth. Similarly, the different sides of what to do for a transgender child as they approach puberty were clearly studied and explained.Two additional elements in This Is How It Always Is were used to move the story along. One was a fairytale that Penn told the children throughout their lives. As Claude/Poppy got older, it became a vehicle to explain aspects of life to her and help Poppy to feel more normal. Overall, I really liked this part of the story, but there were a few times when I wanted Rosie and Penn to talk to Poppy more openly. In a difficult time, Rosie took Poppy on a trip to Thailand. I didn’t think this was really needed. Frankel did such an amazing job of building a powerful family unit. I was a little disappointed she chose to step away from that even for a short time. Despite that, This Is How It Always Is is a book that everyone who has anything to do with children needs to read, and that many others should read. You’ll be glad you did. Grade: A-

[4.5 stars]Headline:This Is How It Always Is is an accessible story about a weighty topic that had me feeling a whole range of emotions…it’s the kind of book many people will enjoy, yet will also provide excellent discussion for book clubs.Major Themes:Gender Dysphoria, Family, BullyingWhat I Loved:- One of the most important things a book needs to do to really draw me in is to make me feel…something. It doesn’t have to be positive all the time, but I have to become emotionally involved with the story and characters in some way. This Is How It Always Is had me feeling a full range of emotions. It’s heart-warming, but also heart-breaking. It’s unexpectedly funny, sad, inspirational, and made me angry at times.- While this story obviously centers around Claude and his struggle with gender dysphoria, it’s also very much a story about an unconventional and complicated family. Frankel explores the family dynamics, the impacts of Claude’s struggle on each sibling and both parents, and the more run-of-the-mill struggles of a family (work/life balance, teen angst, sibling disagreements, etc) and how Claude fits into that.- While gender dysphoria is a weighty issue and many people have not personally experienced, the Walsh-Adams family as a whole is incredibly relatable. Rosie (the mother) is someone I could imagine being friends with and the family’s reactions to and decision-making involving Claude felt decidedly normal to me.- In addition to handling the “big” issues and decisions relating to Claude’s gender dysphoria, Frankel poignantly works through the small moments that become minefields when you’re dealing with someone like Claude (i.e. meeting your new neighbors, the first sleepover).- The writing isn’t what I’d call “gorgeous,” but I loved the voice and tone. I felt like I was hearing my relatable friend talk about family life while phrasing things in the most amusing way possible:"But Roo followed by Ben followed by Rigel and Orion had put a stop to that plan too, children being the enemies of plans and also the enemies of anything new besides themselves."- Plus, there’s a bad@ss grandmother, a character type that generally adds a little something extra to a story for me!What I Didn’t Like:- I’m generally not a fan of stories within stories and one (a fairy tale, in this case) figures prominently into This Is How It Always Is. It makes sense within the larger context and Frankel executed it well, but I personally found it distracting and unnecessary. It felt a little too cutes-y to me.- I’m getting really nit-picky, but some of the things Claude was doing at age five (i.e. designing and constructing a complicated Halloween costume by himself) seemed like a developmental stretch to me, even though his character is quite precocious. I have a six year old son and he could no more design and construct his own Halloween costume than fly to the moon; however, he could name 25 obscure animals you’ve never heard of. So, maybe this criticism isn’t entirely fair.A Defining Quote:"You never know. You only guess. This is how it always is. You have to make these huge decisions on behalf of your kid, this tiny human whose fate and future is entirely in your hands, who trusts you to know what’s good and right and then to be able to make that happen. You never have enough information. You don’t get to see the future. And if you screw up, if with your incomplete, contradictory information you make the wrong call, well, nothing less than your child’s entire future and happiness is at stake. It’s impossible. It’s heartbreaking. It’s maddening. But there’s no alternative."Good for People Who Like…Family, unconventional families, secrets / betrayal, marriage, motherhood, emotional gut-wrenchers, debate starters, accessible writingOther Books You May Like:A memoir dealing with gender dysphoria - Darling Days by iO Tillett-WrightAnother book centered around a large family with hoards of children - Commonwealth by Ann PatchettCheck out my blog, Sarah's Book Shelves, for more reviews.