Sloppy: Or: Doing It All Wrong

I am torn about Ms. King. I love the energy of her prose and her facility with humor. There is much here I really like. On the other hand, too much of what she has to talk about are things in which I have no interest.To be fair, when she hits the mark, she is very readable. Some of her essays here touch on her relationship with her father, and I find these wonderful. Despite its dysfunction, they clearly loved each other. She talks about ways in which she is like him and the pain of dealing with his failures and, ultimately, his death. I related to how she describes her father as the spender and her mother as the saver, and what that means. (I am the spender and my wife the saver in our relationship.) I understood her unwillingness to unload the crap her father left behind. (I call these mementos I have stored up in my place to my relatives “shrines”.) As one, I love her theory of the “old dad”.That said, I quickly weary of stories of alcoholism, drug abuse, failed suicide attempts, and poor treatment towards (and from) family and (boy)friends. At least she rarely tries to justify herself when treating others poorly. She tries to understand things and make them humorous. And she often succeeds. Her stories of her jobs as a stripper and as a restaurant worker are hilarious and on point.If I’m reading things correctly, it appears that Ms. King has recently gotten sober and into a stable relationship. I’m very happy for her and I’m hoping that her insights into her past are made possible by this more balanced life. I hope it is a life that she can sustain and that her future writings will benefit. I’m looking forward to that.

One woman’s depravity and recovery. No incident too personal to be included.

Big thanks to Knopf, Pantheon, Vintage, and Anchor Books and NetGalley for providing me with an advanced copy of Rax King’s new collection of essays titled Sloppy Or: Doing It All Wrong. I haven’t read Tacky yet, King’s first collection of essays, but it’s on my to read list with its focus on pop culture as art. Sloppy also features some elements of pop culture, but is also incredibly personal and intimate. I was not only surprised by the candor and risks that some of these essays take but also moved and touched by King’s reflection on her past experiences, both good and bad, that brought her to sobriety and a reckoning of sorts with her father’s declining health and eventual death. Not all of the essays are deeply personal, but I found that those essays that focused on King’s own struggles with addiction, mental health, and her relationship with her parents were my favorites in this collection. For me, part of this was her ability to fearlessly reflect on her own mistakes, but also to look back on them with humor and acceptance, and not with regret or shame. This kind of perspective is important to keep in mind, and it leads to some important insights for King. I also think that having experienced similar situations with addiction, recovery, and caring for ailing parents, I felt like there was a lot I could relate to in her experiences, and reading about her perspective was relatable, but also fresh in many ways. King doesn’t seek out pity but rather looks to find meaning and strength in these experiences, often through humor and self-deprecation.What stood out most to me was King’s own unique voice, of which humor definitely plays a part. Her essay “Proud Alcoholic Stock” relates to her experiences growing up with parents in recovery, and her struggles to understand her own relationship with alcohol and other substances. She discusses her parents’ relationship and their inability to relax in social situations where alcohol was present. As she notes, “Alcoholism is often genetic, which they knew, but as it turns out, so is obsessing about one’s alcoholism.” As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, I agree that when these realizations occur, that obsession about alcoholism takes on strange perspectives and meanings. King goes on to discuss her observations of other parents who can drink normally and her own experiences with trying alcohol for the first time. I actually wondered if this essay was possibly part of her recovery, as she notes how her relationship with alcohol began and changed over time, eventually leading to her early experiences with sobriety, and how it also changed her relationships with others. She also discusses her father’s other addictions, particularly to tobacco, and how this led to his death. In the essay “Cough-Cough”, King discusses her father’s gradually worsening health and death in the hospital, and how cigarettes brought about this condition. Other essays like “Pants on Fire” and “Anger Management” deal with King’s father’s lying and his explosive temper, remnants of his addict life that never seemed to resolve themselves. “Anger Management” in particular struck a chord with me, as King details sharing burgers and shakes with her father when she was younger, yet the diners were never really able to get her father’s shake exactly right. She relates her own temper to her father’s, and how her ex-husband often liked to provoke her into anger, with one particular disturbing anecdote involving a pellet gun. Yet, it seems like sobriety and the divorce from her ex-husband has enabled King to take a new perspective and work towards avoiding “the life of a lonely volcano, punking magma on myself while the villagers flee” where her “rage is still there—less explosive, still corrosive.” I appreciated this since we don’t always see how these horrible experiences provide us with these useful insights and awareness. She finishes this essay about an instance caring for her father as he’s dying in the hospital, an experience that will cause all kinds of chaos and unanticipated emotional swings in anyone. Her father wants a cheeseburger and milkshake for one last time, despite not really being able or even allowed to eat this meal. One of the nurses caring for her father chastises King, reminding her that he couldn’t have this food in the hospital—it was against the rules and bad for his vitals. Yet, as the kid of a dying parent, she’s in a new role, caring for her father and wanting to comfort him in these final days. I remember when my dad was dying in the hospital, and we snuck in his dog for one last time. Even though it was brief and probably freaked out the dog, it was one of the last times I saw him smile. King’s essay was just a reminder about this complicated situation that no one can ever prepare for, and how it’s important to manage the intense emotions that are bubbling below.Other essays were personal, but not always emotionally impactful. I appreciated “Ms. Girl Power” whic...